I am in need of a tradition. The one year anniversary of the day I had my toe amputated is coming up soon and I want to do something to mark the occasion. I feel like I should take some step to commemorate what I went through, and gradually – year by year – let it go. But I’m not sure exactly what to do.
While getting ready for bed this evening one thought hit me. Instead of one routine physical movement each year, why not commemorate it with an act. Such as, each year, start a new charity or help one out. That might get hard later on in life, but it’d be a good way to give back.
I figure, if I can’t get anything out of my pain, I might as well give. I keep feeling like I’ve lost my toe for no reason, that there has been no manifestation of a greater cause at hand. That doesn’t mean I don’t believe that the knowledge I’ve gained won’t eventually prove useful to someone else. Indeed, I think in some ways, it already has. But I mean nothing has been brought to a proper end, I haven’t received any grand blessings to assure me that the last six years of my life haven’t been lost waiting for doctors appointments, breathing in ether, or lying alone on a hospital bed unable to move. I don’t feel I’ve gotten any personal blessings in exchange for what I’ve gone through. I suppose I gained a way of looking at the world beyond my years, but I haven’t had any real comforting moments that can assure me that it wasn’t all completely pointless. For goodness sake, I wasn’t even great enough to be a stupid Rosie Kid on the Rosie O’Donnell Show. I was deeply honored that so many kids I know nominated me for it, and that felt great, but it was kind of a blow that we never heard anything back at all. Not even anything from Oprah, either. My feat of overcoming such trials and then developing the Daily Prophet wasn’t worthy of any grand scholarships or recognition. It wasn’t big enough to anyone else.
Six years was a lot to me to lose. And my current health is a lot to suffer through. I haven’t been able to properly move for two months because of stupid ulcers I got from all of these stupid years of test after test, operation after operation.
And he still got away with it. The legal system still failed me.
One man’s ignorance and subsequent lies cost me my teenage years. I haven’t been carefree, happy, healthy, and full of life. And I still have nothing to show for it, literally. There’s a gap of nothing at the end of my left foot. But it’s so upsetting that he got away with it. That US Attorney – I’m not even afraid to say her name anymore, Jennifer Guerins – spent more money defending a guilty man than it would have taken to simply settle the case. The numbers I heard were in the range of $800,000 and above. Blown on crackpot specialists that had nothing to do with my case, whittled away on so much paperwork that her assistant literally had to wheel in a basket, like a shopping cart, into the courtroom.
In the end, she never even denied that the doctor stabbed me, that he negligently handled my toe and lied about what he had done. She resorted to simply burying the judge in paperwork and useless facts. He couldn’t make his way through it. She should be disbarred for the things she’s done – she stole and altered my medical records, she had people lie on the stand, and it only gets worse from there. And we could have proven it. But my lawyer ran out of money.
Where was 60 Minutes then? Where was Dateline? I wasn’t good enough for that, either. I got lost in the legal system. I’ve learned to live with the fact that the man lied and ruined the last six years of my life. It’s the fact that he got away with it that still kills me.
Sorry, I really did mean for this to turn into a crying rant. I don’t think I’ve really gotten over everything yet. A year really isn’t much time at all, when you think about it. It hasn’t been enough time to even physically heal – the skin at the end of my foot, at the place where my toe used to be, is still raw. It gets sore after wearing shoes for any period of time longer than an hour and a half. How can I expect my psyche to be any better? I’m still raw. I think about what’s happened – or rather, what’s not happened – for more than half an how, and my emotions get sore.
I’ve managed the pain because I felt that I would, for lack of a better word, be vindicated; that there was a greater purpose to my pain; that those at fault would meet their consequences face to face. And instead, all the guilty party was faced with was me as I sat on the stand testifying, crying as I described the pain I felt as he darted that needle into my bone. How did he meet it? He smirked at me. He smiled as he sat next to his attorney. I cried, and I was met with insolence and apathy.
Is he sorry for what he did? Can he sleep? Has he ever cried for the lives he’s stolen? Does his family know what he really did?
I need a way to mark the upcoming anniversary as a point of continuing closure. But I’m not sure what to do. Is it enough anymore to wear myself thin trying to save the world? I don’t know. I want to, I really do. I want to be the righteous one, moving ever forward, forgetting my pain and instead adopting the pain of others to take it away from them. To ease their load. I want to do that. But in the mean time I feel my pain has been useless, that there was no point to it at all. Yes, I’ve learned, but there’s been no closure. No final act to prove it all worthwhile.
I suppose my problem is I just can’t live with the bad guy winning, and the cowboy left to limp off into the sunset. I try to believe that eventually the bad guy will meet his comeuppance, but right now I really wish God would work a little faster.
If you can think of anything I could do on the anniversary, please post it in my guestbook. I’ll appreciate anything you could offer. These past few days, as I’m sure you’ve noticed, have been a bit of a roller coaster. I’d like to find something that could get me past this hurdle and on to whatever’s ahead.