I’m sorry, I’ve been trying to avoid this topic, but I’ve got to say a few things. To get them off my chest. So this will be my token September 11th post. I don’t blame you if you don’t want to read it, please skip it if you have any qualms at all. I didn’t want to write anything because I felt that everyone would be, and that everything that I wanted to say would be said elsewhere. I didn’t want it to become even bigger of a ‘thing’. The news will be blaring images of planes going into buildings all day, people will be crying, candles will be lit; I thought, ‘what could I possibly add?’
But this evening I realized, this blog isn’t for anybody else. It’s for me. And I have something to say for me so I can quit repressing it. After I’ve said what I want to say, I’ll try to say something happy, to make up for it.
It doesn’t feel like it’s been a year. But at the same time, it feels like deja vu. I feel as if I’ve been here before, sitting here, a frog in my throat, thinking about what all has happened since then. I’m trying to forget what I saw, not to forget the lives of all those people, but to keep myself from becoming useless. If I cling to the despair, I’ll forget to live. I’ve been regressing it, trying not to think about it, but it all kind of came out yesterday afternoon.
I had been doing so well, I thought. But then my friend Lindsey came online and started asking me questions about the military. I answered them, then asked what it was for. She said she had been visiting a forum where the other users were trying to say that Saddam Hussein didn’t deserve military action, that he wasn’t doing anything wrong. Lindsey, you should know the power you have over me. You were the one who lit the fire in me to start PotterWar.
I started to explain things to her. The Gulf War, my point of view as the child of someone directly involved in the planning of that campaign, how Hussein affects the big picture; why other nations won’t back us, why so many people disagree with military action, what it all means. It brought things out of me that I didn’t even know I knew, feelings I thought I had suppressed in order to get past Wednesday and everything rolled into that anniversary. It made me think.
I was sitting downstairs in the dark silence around 11:30 this evening, waiting for the commercial break to end so I could get back to an episode of “Law & Order.” I was thinking about Wednesday; about what I’ve tried to keep myself from thinking about. That’s when the fear hit me. If our suspicions are true and something does happen, who will be the ones to die? Who will the world lose on Wednesday? Thursday? Friday? What landmarks will cease to exist? What communities will be in tears? Who will we have to go after next?
And will we ever see true solidarity? I was comforted on September 11th of last year by the support flowing in from other nations. It seems so hollow now. We’re back to our old routine of past alliances, past pressures both economic and historic, and no one seems to remember. No one else seems to realize that America isn’t the only target.
We’ve gone back to our daily lives, back to our hatred and bias. I remember sitting on September 12th, watching other nation’s leaders speak about solidarity with the US, a pledge to do their part for the war against terrorism, pledging to remain faithful. I remember thinking, how long will this really last?
Now we’re seeing pacts between Russia and Iraq. What did Putin say on September 11th of 2001? What is he doing now? What impact does Russia still have on Eastern Europe? How will that affect us all as we move into an inevitable cataclysm with the Middle East? Will we see history repeat itself; misplaced alliances based on economic necessity leading to the inclusion of unnecessary countries in war? Will it build up to the dreaded World War III? Will my generation see a nuclear holocaust?
Everything is there, it’s just a new face to the evil. The Reich have moved to the Middle East to begin their “ethnic cleansing”. They began with the Kurds, but what we fail to come to grips with is that the Kurds were a testing ground. For us. I don’t mean Americans, I mean all of us. Britons, French, Germans, Italians, Spaniards; even the Russians with whom they have formed an agreement. We do not think like them, we do not understand them. Ignorance will be our downfall, unless we can get in their minds and truly know why they hate us. Until then, we will oppose it. We will not believe they hate us so much to kill us.
I had to explain to Lindsey why they would not fear a nuclear winter. They are not afraid of death. And that’s what scares me most. In Jihad, they die for God. They are met in heaven by a 1000 virgins in reward for dying in the name of what is holy. We are their enemy, we are the devil incarnate. Why wouldn’t they want to kill us?
That is what truly scares me. And will we see another battle in the great war undertaken this week? Will they get us hyped up, only to delay attack until next week? I’m tired of waiting. I’m tired of the political dance caused by misunderstanding. If war happens, happen now, and get it over with.
I’ve been having recurring dreams that I hope will go away now that I’ve let all of this out. The night before last, it was Paris. I spent a wonderful day with friends, walking around the city. I remember locations, I remember faces. And I remember the planes as they flew by in formation and set a playground in flames. Only to be followed by their new ministry building, the Eiffel tower. It was the playground I saw clearly. I only heard the others.
Last night it was London. A plane flew into Big Ben as shots fired out of buildings. I spent the dream lying on dirty concrete underneath a car, feeling the sharp cement scratch my face. It was chaos, and I woke up afraid. I’m tired of that. I don’t want to see it happen.
But then, maybe it must. Maybe we need it in order to solidify again. How quickly and easily we forget the pain. We remember the lives lost, but we forget the face of the enemy. We forget why we have to fight back. A year later we are no more invincible than we were one year ago. We are all still at risk; time hasn’t changed that.
And don’t let others forget that America is not alone. I remember the cries in the streets of Egypt, crowds cheering, “Hurray for the fallen Americans. Let Britain be next.” What about Berlin? They have arrested more terrorist cells than ever imagined. Will they go unnoticed by those that hate them? No. It already is World War III, we just haven’t acknowledged it yet.
That’s it. I don’t think I want to talk about it anymore.
Something happy… I got a new book today. I went out to the bookstore to buy a present for a friend of mine who’s having surgery on her foot on the 20th. I know how bad foot surgery can be, so I wanted to do something for her. She and I both love the Ender series by Orson Scott Card, and I remembered that he was releasing a new book this month. Thankfully ‘Shadow Puppets’ just came out. Don’t be fooled by the name – it’s a great series about military strategy and the effects of war. They’re really good. (Sorry, didn’t mean for this to get into the same vein as the rest of this post.) But, they only had the books in hardback. Good news is, I get a huge discount at Books-A-Million cause I’m home schooled. So, since it’s a new release, there was a special 30% off. Then, with the home schooling discount, I got another 20% off. The book is regularly priced $25.75, but I got it for… da da da daaaaa…. $13.08. How exciting is that? So I bought two copies; one for myself, and one for my friend. I wrote a lovely message inside the cover for her, including a little phrase from the book translated into Greek (the main character in this one is Greek). I think she’ll really like it. I’m also going to make her some sugar cookies, cause I have a cookie cutter in the shape of a foot. It’s just to add a little bit of a joke to the package. :) I always love getting new books, especially hardbacks. There’s something so comforting about a big, hardback new book, just waiting to be read. Maybe I’ll sleep with it by my pillow to ward off bad dreams.
Okay, token post done. If you feel you must reply to it, that’s fine, I guess. No emails about how terrorists are nice people and Saddam is really a fun-loving guy. I don’t have the heart or energy to deal with those right now, sorry. All I have to say to that is go spend a day with Saddam, go spend a day with the Kurds, go look at the devastation of Saddam’s own people, go spend a day in New York City. Then maybe you’ll change your mind. Go walk through the gas chambers of a Nazi concentration camp, smell that stench of death still permeating the walls built over half a century ago, and hopefully you’ll understand.